Even jugglers need a rest.

I have had a very strange week since my big shock. I’ve coped with everything that’s been thrown at me over the last several years and though there are times I struggle to keep all my balls in the air, somehow I do still keep juggling and even coping when people throw me more balls. This week, though, I’ve actually put most of the balls down and left them, keeping just the essential couple.

I managed to get through my days at work on Tuesday and Wednesday by concentrating just on the tasks in hand and looked forward to a quiet Wednesday evening watching (recorded) TV with Billy. However, he hadn’t yet watched a missed episode of Stargate Universe on Skyplayer so I had to wait whilst he did that. Meanwhile, I went upstairs and Nel let me know she was not happy that we would be using the TV without having told her in advance. (You can’t watch TV here without Sky so only 3 TV’s in the house have it – the living room, and the mens’ bedrooms.) I got a little annoyed with her as she seemed to be saying we couldn’t use the TV and I ended by saying that as we pay for it, we have a right to watch it and that unfortunately I had just forgotten to mention this in advance, which I do usually do. Then I went downstairs to join Billy to watch TV as arranged, but he had been unable to view the missed episode and lost his temper (with the computer, not me) and shouted, but this was enough to rattle my frayed nerves. I went back upstairs and told Nel it looked like she could use the TV after all, if she asked the men to go and watch in their rooms, and she and I apologised for our earlier upset. (It’s rare for us to have words.) Billy later appeared and apologised too, and reiterated that his temper had been aimed at the computer,not me.

I ended up crying and snuggling in for lovely cuddles. Long overdue I think – in fact I can’t remember the last time I did this, but then Billy’s been so wrapped up in his own problems lately, he hasn’t been in the right frame of mind to give me the reassurance I needed at times.

Since then, I’ve been very withdrawn and antisocial. Even when I’ve bumped in to people, small talk has been an effort so I’ve been mostly trying to keep to my own company and do things which absorb me and keep me away from thinking – watching films or TV, and reading books. I feel exhausted and have an ache in my sternum, accompanied by lots of sighing breaths. I don’t feel part of the world – just observing from within a bubble which separates me from it.

On Thursday, Nel was laying in wait for me when I got back from the supermarket and she gave me a bunch of spray carnations which she’d bought me herself. She said they were to cheer me up as she knew I was feeling sad at the moment. Of course, I had a little cry, cuddled her and thanked her. How utterly unexpected and wonderful 🙂 That evening, Billy came home with a bottle of wine and some chocolates for me too. Neither of these things solved anything, I know, but they DID definitely hit the spot and made me feel appreciated and loved – which is just what I need at the moment. Stephen is the most laid-back member of the household and although he does create a lot of mess (mainly in the kitchen) he also lightens the mood and makes me laugh with his silliness and just by being himself.
Other that this, I am trusting my body/brain to do what it needs to do to recover and though I could take some herbs to help speed up the process, I’m feeling a little rebellious and asking myself why I should. I mean, if I pick myself up, take up all the balls and start juggling again, people will go back to forgetting I’m merely mortal, and find some more balls for me.

Maybe I don’t WANT to be the sole juggler all the time. Maybe it’d be nice for someone to take up a ball or two from the pile, and actually help out. Work and home are the two areas where this is feasible – I recognise that in my own business it can only be down to me. Everyone has problems – personal, family,financial and work related – but that does include me, and yet I’m expected to keep going, keep smiling, keep doing the stuff that they don’t feel up to doing themselves. (Like washing up, clearing up, emptying bins, doing the garden, or decorating or DIY etc.) These are the things that no-one else ever thinks to just do when they need doing but are happy to leave for me.

Whilst it was the shock that was the last straw, it looks like my body is saying it’s had enough – and maybe this time I’m going to listen. I need plenty of peace and calm I think, to recover, so that’s what I’m going to try and give myself.

Comments

  1. Just 5 little words………I love you very much!

  2. Take care x

  3. Hope you manage to get a good amount of peace and calm in the coming days/weeks. x

  4. Thank you all 🙂
    The shock isn’t resolved yet but the weekend’s peace has helped.

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